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Why I’m Not Ready to Forgive Yet

Mad Break In Faith Tested

We walked up the car with our mouths wide open. Even from a distance, I knew something was wrong. My boyfriend and I had just enjoyed a beautiful fall hike in the woods at a public park and returned to find that his car had been broken into. My first thought was, there is no way that’s our car! There is no way that someone smashed out the window in the car I drove here in. But my boyfriend and I quickly grasped the awful truth that someone had in fact smashed out his car window.

While we were taking this very photo someone was stealing our stuff!

Why I'm mad

My mind quickly snapped to the fact that I foolishly had left my purse in the floor of the passenger seat and it was clearly now gone. That caused my mind to spiral to what was in my purse that was now gone: my phone, my keys, my debit card, my ID, and ALL my cash for the month (thanks Dave Ramsey envelopes!) As I started to sob and mutter things about how I had nothing left, my boyfriend hugged me and said it would be ok because we were ok and that’s the most important thing. Only then, did he realize that his wallet was in the car too and that was also gone.

What happened next made me extremely grateful for technology! There was a flurry of trying to cancel cards and contacting the police, when my boyfriend remembered the “Find My Phone App” which allows two iPhones to communicate and his phone quickly showed us the exact location of my missing phone! It was completely odd to watch my boyfriend climb into the back of a cop car and take off to try to find my missing stuff. I stayed behind to wait for another office to come start a report for us and I cried. No, I bawled.

I felt like it was all my fault. I also had over $1000 in my purse at the time since I had just taken out all my money for the month to spend in cash. I have been trying so hard to save money and work hard on being responsible with my finances and all my money for the month was gone.  I asked God WHY and mourned the loss of all my stuff, but I also prayed that by some miracle I could get some of it back.

When the cop car returned and my boyfriend got out, I prepared myself for the bad news that they could not find my phone or that it was completely shattered and destroyed.

However, my boyfriend emerged from the cop car with my purse in his hand!!! I bawled again.

For some odd reason the thief left not only my ID and my credit card in my purse when he threw it out the window of their moving car but also half of my cash! This makes no sense. My boyfriend said there were bills blowing in the wind on the side of the road when he got to where my iPhone was located!

It was a MIRACLE! 

I am still out a significant amount of money and my boyfriend is out a window and his credit cards, but it could have been so much worse if we had not recovered some of it.

It’s over. It’s done. But I’m still not ok.

My boyfriend’s FB status after the ordeal was such a good Christian response, but so opposite of how I have been feeling,

” They are broken, like me. They are hurting, like me. They need Jesus, like me.

People, Jesus came to die for the worst criminal, and the most well-spoken minister alike. I am just as messed up as the person who broke into my car, and I am so thankful that when Jesus went to the cross He took a criminal with him. Will you take a second to pray for this person? I pray that they know today that they are loved, and that there is hope beyond what this world can offer.”

This is why I love him. His heart is so pure and kind but it only highlighted in my mind how far I was from that response. To make matters worse, he tagged me in his FB post and people kept thinking it was my status and commenting, “What a great spiritual, heart-felt perspective Joy!”

I wish I had that perspective! I still feel violated, wronged, and scared. 

Somehow my safety bubble has been popped and I no longer feel as safe.

YET, I know that the fear and bitterness in my heart towards whoever did this is WRONG. It will only hurt me in the end. I know it’s time to forgive and view them as my boyfriend does, but I don’t feel ready.

Even though I know that forgiving this criminal is not saying that what they did is “Ok” but it feels that way. It’s wrong to hold onto the anger just to bask in how wronged I was, and yet here I am.

This is one of those moments when our feelings can’t be our guide and we have to choose what we KNOW is right.

I vow to start praying for this thief today in hopes that God can change my heart and even break my heart for them. I have to start somewhere to experience healing and forgiveness.

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