I was hearing your letter that you wrote to your dad, and it broke me. I cried for about 10 minutes.
I wish my dad was like yours, but my father is a narcissistic person. He has done some horrible things and can’t seem to recognize that his actions are hurtful.
When I was a little boy, I thought that I loved him because he acted fatherly, but I don’t know what happened to him. When I talk to him, my feelings are mixed. I love him, but at the same time, I have such disgust toward him.
I know I am supposed to forgive him, but I don’t know how. Every time I talk to him, he says some awful things that makes me not want to forgive him.
If you have some advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
I am so sorry to hear about the relationship you have with your dad. That is no good. Fathers should not act like that, but sadly, some do.
Forgiveness of your father is actually more for you than it is for him. If you can get to the place where you forgive him, realize this is who he is, and love him regardless of how he treats you, it will change you.
It is the example Christ set for us by loving those who ultimately killed Him. You’re going to your dad to get something from him that, for whatever reason, he is not able to give you. That only drives you crazy and hurts you.
Realizing he is not capable of loving you like you need to be loved and surrendering that will help you move on. Let it motivate you to be the best father you can be by not replicating his poor behavior. And pray for him: not that he will be a great dad, but for whatever is going on in him.
I do believe that God changes people, but it can take a lifetime for some. So hang in there, and love him like Christ loved us. It might not restore your relationship, but it will help you work through it.
I hope that helps a little.