One of my first memories is my mother telling me that my being born ruined her life. When I was around 10, my older sister warned me to stay away from a male relative as he was “too affectionate.” Even though I was cautious, I was eventually molested by that relative. Then, in my early teens, I was molested by my pastor and another church leader in separate incidents.
As you might imagine, I have serious trust issues that not only affect my relationships with people including my husband of 10 years, but also my relationship with God. When I look at God, I see Him as rejecting me, and I have spent may years resenting the fact that I was born.
Although not formally diagnosed, I believe I have attachement disorder as I would be completely happy to never have to speak to people at all, and I can’t think of anyone that I would miss if they were no longer in my life.
I would greatly appreciate any help in being able to fully trust God, grow in my relationship with Him and others, and find joy in Him so I can learn to appreciate the gift of life.
From the beginning, you were getting the message that you weren’t acceptable. Our parents are the “gods of our youth,” and they speak very deeply into our hearts. When they say things like, “You make me miserable,” we don’t get the affirmation we need and the sense of worth that is necessary for well being and peace.
Then, you had other people that you should have been able to trust, but instead of being trustworthy, they abused you in a severe and traumatizing way. That really cuts off your ability to trust people.
Now, you’re left trying to fill the divine needs that God put in you through your own strength by resorting to control. Control almost becomes a survival mechanism that you bring to every relationship, and it’s a natural response to the situation you’ve lived through.
When we’re living in a place of control, we try to find things in the world that will fill the places in our hearts that are broken. It’s very common for us to get into a relationship and then try to mold, push, and control that relationship into providing the things that only God can give us.
The challenge is moving from a place of control to a place of trust. That comes through knowing the truth of who God is and rejecting the lies that were spoken into us by the “gods of our youth,” or those who represented God to us in our lives.
It’s something that we may know in our heads, but how do we apply it practically? It comes from praying through it. We can’t in our own intellect and strength establish the reality of who God is. We have to ask Him for that. Part of it is looking in scripture to see what He says about Himself: He loves you perfectly and eternally, and this unconditional love and unconditional acceptance that you need to feel is there, and He is that for you.
The next step is forgiving our spouse, or whomever we’re trying to be dependent on, because putting people in our “God socket” is never going to fulfill us.
One of the verses that we pray a lot with our clients is Proverbs 16:3:
“Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.”
That means you’re rolling your burdens, your works, and the things that God wants for you onto His shoulders, to allow Him to make your heart agreeable to His will. You’re turning the process of your Healing over to Him.
On final verse that I think is great in this situation is Psalm 27:10:
“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.”
That’s the truth. All the other stuff is lies.