During the month of December, the TV in our house shows nothing but Christmas movies. But as I watched some of the classics this year, I realized that if these movies were made today, the plots would be nearly impossible. So imagine with me the improbability of some of your Christmas favorites in the year 2019.
1. Home Alone
In both the first and second movie, the McCallisters oversleep because their alarm clocks don’t go off. But today, that entire family would have cell phones with backup alarms ready to get them on their important Christmas flights. Plus, it would be easy for Kevin to text his family, “Hey, I think you forgot something….”
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
While underdog stories are timeless, there’s one flaw in this film: by now, I’m pretty sure that Santa is fully equipped with GPS and LED headlights on his sleigh. Plus, self-driving technology has likely made its way to the North Pole. Sorry, Rudolph. I don’t mean to leave you out of today’s reindeer games.
3. White Christmas
You know what’s great about technology? You don’t have to dream of a white Christmas! Just open up your weather app and choose your vacation destination accordingly. I can just picture Rosemary Clooney saying, “Hey, guys? Maybe don’t join us in Vermont if you’re looking for snow.”
4. Christmas Vacation
Cousin Eddie wouldn’t be the unwanted house guest in his trailer. In 2019, he’d be considered dad’s cool hipster cousin in his tiny home. And Clark Griswold’s HOA would be way stricter about that lighting display.
5. Jingle All The Way
Today, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad wouldn’t have the same struggle of getting the allusive Turbo Man action figure, because they probably would’ve ordered it on Amazon on Cyber Monday. There may be some drama with the item being in stock and the fear of porch pirates, but that’s not nearly as exciting as racing through every toy store in town.
6. A Christmas Story
Would Ralphie care about the “official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time” today? Or would he have a Nintendo Switch and an iPhone at the top of his list? And would the Old Man still get that iconic lamp as his “major award”? Or would he just be emailed a gift card?
7. THE Christmas Story
There have been many movies based on the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of Jesus. If that story were told today, Mary and Joseph would’ve done their census online, or at the very least, gotten a hotel room ahead of time on Hotwire that allows home births. But I guess this just shows that sometimes, you shouldn’t mess with the classics.