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trust is hard.

A friend recently pointed out as we took in an epic, scenic view, “We serve a God who created all this, and yet we still have trouble trusting Him.”

And the answer to that is: yes. Yes I do. Even though I know I shouldn’t.

just so you get to experience a little of the “epic, scenic” view I was talking about

There are some things that I totally have no problem trusting God with. Mostly because – at least currently – God has provided these specific things so clearly. One is my job. God has always shown Himself faithful getting me a job. Even when it’s been uncertain feeling for a moment, He’s opened clear doors and I know that, that is an absolutely incredible blessing. Secondly, relationships. I have taken matters into my own hands on multiple occasions and they’ve always ended in failure, but I think I finally started to understand this particular area because He has provided an incredible, understanding man that leads me towards God and makes me want to be a better woman.

However, lest you think I’m some kind of pillar of faith, there are a ton of areas where I seem to find myself unable to trust God. Timing for one – I want some things to happen right now. I mean… right. NOW. Finances for another – I check my bank account religiously. When there’s not what I want to be in there, it sends me in a minor spiral. But most of all, I have trouble trusting God when it comes to people that I love. Whether that’s when they’re hurting from the loss of a loved one or facing some unknown medical anomaly – I want to trust a doctor or a counselor, but I have a hard time trusting God.

In my head, I know I should trust Him.
In my head, I know I can trust Him.
In my head, I know He’s the only One that can actually be trusted.
But that rarely makes it to my heart. Even though I want it to.

When I have to sit next to kids who have been abandoned via choice or because of death and all I can do is wrap my arms around them and feel them cry, I have a hard time feeling like “I’ll pray for you” is enough. Even though it is.

When I have to hear about surprise medical issues from afar with the people in the world that mean the most to me, not being able to physically be there and trust that God is big enough to take care of all of it is really hard. Even though He is.

When I see friends wrestling through relationships and friendships – things in the deepest part of their heart – I know the exact words to say – true words – but ones that I have a hard time believing myself sometimes. Even though it’s true.

I know that God is there. I know He is faithful. I believe that He is Who He says He is and He is more than capable of taking care of unborn babies, kids who’s families are wrecked with loss, and friends who’s hearts are broken.
But sometimes, it’s just hard.

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