I knew this would happen.
The clock read 1:15am and my son was awake crying and coughing. My husband had just flown out of town to perform a wedding and like clockwork, my son got sick as soon as my husband was gone.
Some things require all you’ve got in the tank and more. When my son gets sick and we both get very little sleep. It’s hard to navigate the next day. After a 5:45am wake up, I was already at the end of my rope by noon. When my son finally went down for a nap, I retreated to my closet. When you are a mom, it’s nice to have a place to hide; but my closet has become even more than that. My closet is my place to pray. There are verses and prayer requests scribbled on notecards taped all over the walls. I sat down and simply cried out to God. I didn’t try to make my prayer sound nice. It was filled with frustration, tears, and cries for help. I’m still new at this mom thing and some days I feel so inadequate. I thought I would know what I was doing a little more by now, but I am still guessing at what he needs and how to help him especially when he’s sick. I was alone and felt very much that way too.
As I got up and wiped my tears, I felt some shame for being so raw and unfiltered with the God of the universe; until I remember that is how He wants us to come to Him. God already knew I was angry and confused. Why not take those questions and emotions to Him first? When my husband is in town I tend to process things with him before going to God. Being alone caused me to go to God first and foremost. It added a closeness to my relationship with God to come as I truly was.
We know we are unconditionally loved by God, but that unconditional part is hard to grasp. I think if I truly understood how loved I was, I would never try to clean myself up before I go to God with my stuff. He loves us as we are!
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”